reflect.

Today is one of those days where you just sit and think, and you think of a million things in ten minutes, and you wish you could explain them all... all your deepest thoughts and most meaningful thoughts, but you can't put words around them. (The first four words in this sentence are really small, and I don't know how they got that small.)


You think back on all the most memorable, best, worst, happiest and saddest events that have taken place during your life, and realized that God does really have a purpose for your life.  All these things, both sad and happy, both disappointing and exciting, all of these things have molded you into who you are.  


There are so many things I have to be thankful for.  There are so many things that I could turn into, "I hate that part of my life and wish that it never happened."  But then I stop myself...


Yes, there are things I wish I could erase, but then I wouldn't be who I am today.  But I can't even finish explaining this statement because my thoughts are moving so quickly.  (I also can't finish this thought because some of the more negative events that have taken place in my life have made me so angry, that I would only write very negative things here, and I refuse to do so... but sometimes when I come and blog, I really, really want to do just that.)


There are also so many things that I have to be thankful for, and when I think of one thing, my mind jumps to even more positive things and people, and again, it goes a million miles per second.


I don't really know what the point of this post is.  I guess I just need to type, and don't know what to write, except to confuse everyone who reads this about the point of this post :)


Here... I will make this post have a point (or six):


I have recently been self-analyzing...I will say, that I have recently realized the following things about myself.  I am working on them currently...


1. A lot of times, things are "not good enough" and I keep searching to find better. 


2. I easily go to the negative, and although, in the past I have been known as optimistic, I lately have been very pessimistic.  I dislike this one.


3. I swear. A lot. Too much.  I think this is because I work with kids who like to cuss for fun on a daily basis, and I am not even sensitive to cussing anymore.  


4.  I go to "worst case scenario."  Josh helped me realize this.  If there's a noise outside, in my head, it's probably a serial killer who's been searching for me for ten years.  If I have a bite and it's swelling, it's probably from a new species of spider that bit me, and there's probably no cure and I'm probably going to die.  If my boss leaves me a voicemail to call him, it's probably because I'm fired... you get the picture.  I need to chill out.


5. To branch off of the last one, I overanalyze, really, really badly.  If a friend doesn't call me for a month, it's probably because I did something wrong, and then I rack my brain and stress over what I could have possibly done until I have clarification that, in fact, their phone was lost, or they lost their numbers, or some other thing that had nothing to do with anything I did. I can think of dozens of examples, but I don't want to type them out. Again, I need to relax.


6. I worry way too much.  


I do not write these things to be a negative blogger.  I write these things because I need to put them somewhere, and I am currently working on them.  Even though it can be annoying when I'm called out on these things, it is helpful.  A few friends and Josh have been pointing out to me when I do these things, and it helps me notice them.  So... it's okay to point them out :)


Two years ago, I would have died if someone pointed these things out to me.  I feel like I have grown so much and can hear things from people so much more than I previously could.  


Update on my grandma:  


She's going back to live with my dad tomorrow, leaving the hospital.  She can't eat anything without aspirating her food into her lungs.  So... pretty much we're going to keep repeating that she goes to the hospital after she aspirates, and then will go home and then back and then home, until her body decides to finally give up.  This is not me being negative or jumping to "worst case scenario."  This is what the doctors told my dad.  They assessed her swallowing.  She aspirates when she eats, which is causing the pneumonia, which is causing major infection.  So, if she eats, she gets infection.  And you have to eat to live.  And I don't want to expand anymore on this tonight because it sucks.

jet-lag.

Hunting season has officially begun... and Josh is in the forrest, far away :(


Luckily, the next time he goes out, my dad is lending us his fifth wheel, so we'll have our own place to stay away from all the men.  (Shock of the year that my dad is lending us his fifth wheel!)


I've been busy cleaning and unpacking, and there's so much of it to do, that I feel like the two days I have spent on it, haven't even made a dent.  I wish I could have everything clean by the time Josh gets home tomorrow night, but it's not looking so do-able at the moment.


I also swear I still have jet-lag, because I try and try, but I can't get myself up before 11am.... which is crazy.  I'm also kind of sick, so maybe that's why.


I have an update on my grandma....   She is back in the hospital as of Saturday morning.  She has pneumonia in her right lung and isn't doing very well.  They have assessed her swallowing and she is really struggling with aspirating her food (that means that food gets into her lungs when she is eating- but she is already on pureed food).  My dad was given some pretty harsh decisions to make, so if you could keep him and my grandma in your prayers, that would be great.  


I hope everyone is doing well.  Thanks to all of you who made it to the wedding... it was SO great to see all of you.  More pictures to come :)

wifey.

That is me and my husband, because I am now married and am now Mrs. Josh Montanye. (say it Mon-tan-yuh.) :)


That is the biggest, newest update that I need to post on here :)  I'm loving marriage and so in love with Josh.  Things are going so well!  


Let me just say, that God hears prayers, even when you stray away from what he is yelling in your face to turn around and go the opposite way that you are going.  I went my own way and didn't listen, but he still heard me, got me out of my mess, and blessed me with this amazing man, and I am so thankful.


Wedding week...  for the most part, it was very relaxed and fun.  I'm so thankful I am married to the most organized male in the United States... seriously, he should win an award.  He made an entire binder with organizational tabs and all our paperwork and lists.  On top of that, he surprised me and paid for my dress fittings and my hair (and my mom's hair.)  Isn't he the best?


We honeymooned on the Hawaiian island of Oahu.  It was great also.  We ate, slept, and laid on the beach.  


Life, presently, is consisting of unpacking and moving into our large apartment, getting ready to see Josh off for hunting season (he guides with his dad's outfitting business), and getting ready for my marathon in October.  I have a lot of work to do, but I know I can do it.  If anyone wants to push me in any way for my marathon, I'm open to it :)  If anyone wants to check out Josh's dad's outfitting business, here you go:  Elk Range Outfitters  It's pretty cool, but I do miss him when he's hunting :)


I'll be updating this more often now that all the big events and business are starting to be over.  I'll probably also get a lot of time in between my fall activities... you know, knitting like a grandma, watching Friends, and running :)  That is my life when Josh is gone in the forest :)


I hope you're all having a lovely start to your September :)