contemplating.

I had a huge blog written out about how much has changed in my last 6 years of life.  I decided not to post it.  I'm not ready to share all of that with the world... yet.  Maybe someday.  For now, I'll just pose a few questions that came into my head while typing out the rather long, time-consuming blog.

 I wonder if people have questions about what happened with "stuff."  Yes, you know what I am talking about.  Only 3 people have been gutsy enough to ask me.  I respected that.  I wish "stuff" never happened.  I wish I could erase those 2 years of my life and not even have had "stuff" happen.  I hate even talking about it, obviously, because I refer to it as "stuff."  Marriage, yes, this is what I am talking about.  Yes, I learned things, it made me the person I am today, blah blah blah, but I hate it, and wish I could erase it.

I wonder why the event that happened above led to Josh.  I wish I could have dated him FIRST.  I settled the first time, BIG TIME. I had no clue what I was missing.  I know now.  He is the most amazing person.  Our relationship is so much healthier than any relationship I have ever, ever had.  I love him so much and can't imagine what life would be like if I had not been with him.  I can't even write out to express how much this guy means to me.  Josh is wonderful.  Even thinking about him right now makes me smile.  I wish I would have experienced a healthy relationship with him first.  Everything happens for a reason, I KNOW.

I wonder when I will get girl-friends in the same town I live in.  I would love to go have girl's night, or go to a movie, or people watch, or go shopping or on road trips.  Please I hope it's soon.  I love all my guy friends, but I need a girl to be girly with.  Boys don't shop like girls do.  Boys don't paint their nails, or love new chick-flicks, or understand girl conversation topics.  I miss having a girl-friend live in the same town as me.

I wonder why my grandma is still alive.  I thought she would have given up last summer.  Then it was Christmas.  Then, several strokes later, she was put on a hospital bed in my dad's living room,with oxygen, a catheter, and the occasional dose of morphine. Then, it was her birthday, and she went from 93, to 94. Then summer passed again.  I hate going to see her because it makes me sad, and mad.  I sometimes wish she would just let go.  Seeing her in her current state hurts worse sometimes than I think it would be to see her go.  She can't talk, move, swallow, sit up, etc.  I wonder why she is holding on?  Or what for?  Only she and God knows.

I have other questions floating around in my head... just not sure if now is the time to write them out.  These are my thoughts today.  I hope you got something out of understanding them or at least maybe, understanding me a bit more.

spam tacos.

I need to write a blog on this, because it is simply wonderful.


I work with children who are extremely emotionally disturbed, and they have such large personalities.  There is a new child who recently had a birthday.  I sat down with him and asked him what he would like for his birthday meal.  The kids get to choose whatever they want from dinner to dessert- anything they want.  


Most children choose things like pizza, mac and cheese, ribs, etc.


This special little guy requested spam.  When I asked him if he would like his spam with anything else, he replied, "Spam tacos and mashed potatoes and gravy!"


Needless to say, I got to taste spam a few weeks ago.  It was different.  When it was doused in taco seasoning and grilled, two little, tiny pieces were do-able.  When it sat on the table for a few minutes and got colder, it was disgusting.  


I then tucked him in before bed and he asked if we could pray.  I said "Yes, do you want to pray or do you want me to pray?"  He said he wanted to pray.  He then proceeded to SING his prayer and it went like this: 


"I had a good birthday.  Angela and me had fun.  We want it to rain.  Because we love rain and the United States of America loves rain.  AMEN!"  


My overall point in writing this particular blog, is that I LOVE my kids that I work with.  This is just one of them.  They are amazing! : )

busy.

I am so busy, but I promise to do a worth-while, new blog soon!  LOTS AND LOTS to blog about : )

57.

'Opportunity dances with those who are already on the dance floor.  I believe that everything happens for a reason.  People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they go right, you believe lies so that you'll eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.' - Marilyn Monroe

This is such a wonderful quote.  I feel like single parts of it describe my life, a lot.  Life is so unpredictable.  Sometimes I love that, and sometimes I really hate that.  I hate seeing my friends hurt or struggle; close friends or even just acquaintances.  I feel like it's hard to trust.  It's so interesting that we learn so much through our experiences, good and bad, so that we can become the people we are, to do even better with other experiences in the future.  I like to learn the hard way a lot in life, apparently, which has been rather frustrating at times, but I feel like I am 23 on the outside, and 57 on the inside because I have experiences that a lot of people my age have never had.  Holy cow, when I get to heaven, I have so many questions for God... but at that point, they won't matter anymore.  I don't really know what this whole blog note is about, I just felt like expanding on what Marilyn said, because her quote is so wonderful.  I guess it's just been a big week, and writing is how I get my feelings out a lot, even if other people don't understand it, it helps me understand myself a little more : )  

monday.

Sometimes I'm probably going to go a long time without writing a new blog because my life never stops moving and I feel constantly busy!  I was told to post something new.... 


Not a lot is new, except that I joined Northern Lights Yoga and am starting tomorrow and I'm really excited, because I have missed doing yoga  a lot since I moved back from Portland.  


I am also bored right now, but luckily, have Krista to chat with online on Facebook :)  I miss having a lot of my close girl friends live close to me.  They are all scattered in several states/towns.  How about everyone just moves to Helena.... problem solved : )  Just kidding.  But know that I miss you.

running.

Holy mackerel.  I signed up for a half-marathon. I am so excited!!  I'm running it in October with one of my best friends, Krista Burton.  This means I will be running 13.1 miles. Holy cow.  This is going to rock! 


Ever since things started sucking in Portland, I have turned to and found comfort and a release in running, which makes it even more exciting to me.  Also, Krista and I don't get to see each other very often, because she is going to grad-school in Spokane, so we've been "training over the phone," which has been fun : )  I miss her and am glad we can still find things to do together, even though we have to travel to do things. Sadly, she is moving even further, to Texas this winter, to be with her boyfriend and complete her internship.  DO NOT GO!!!! : ) (Except I know it makes you happy, so go!)

starting over.

I first started this blog page when I lived in Portland a few years ago.  Since then, things in my life have changed dramatically.  I went through some really difficult... um, I will call them life-changes, as well as found out my Baba (grandma) was really sick.  I moved home to Helena, Montana in May 2008, the day after I finished my student teaching.


 I lived with my dad for a short while, and then found myself an apartment on Broadway, with multi-colored walls and lots of sunlight.  I worked for an Auto-Consulting business for several months until I found my current job, working @ Intermountain Children's Home with emotionally-disturbed kids.  I have been dating my boyfriend Josh for almost a year.


I have changed in some pretty dramatic ways, and re-found myself in the last two years.  I am thankful for where I am in life right now, and even though I found myself in some pretty difficult situations, I have taken them and used them to grow and really know myself more than I ever have.  I hope for this blog page to be an update for those of you who I don't get to see/talk to on a very regular basis.  If you have any questions, let me know : )