colors.

I love fall and leaves and just the feel of fall.  I love wearing sweaters, and scarves, and sipping warm drinks.  I'm so glad it's fall!

I'm missing Josh, but keeping very busy while he is gone guiding.

Our apartment is very clean, all the laundry is done, and I'm ready for him to be back :)

I'm very cheery this week, I think this is due to finally be able to get back into working out regularly.  I'm loving it :)

I hope everyone is doing well!

domingo.

I was very excited to go to church today... but I slept in :(

I, again, didn't fall asleep until after 3a.m... at that point, I popped some Melatonin...

Josh came today, because one of the guides had a flat tire and couldn't get it fixed in Townsend, so they had to come here.  I was really excited to see him, but I wore my grumpy pants today, because that's what happens to me when I don't get enough sleep, and now I feel bad that I had those pants on the whole time we were hanging out.

I did get in a run, but it was pathetic.  RUNNING... I'm very, very angry with myself about my running right now.  I know I had a wedding and a honeymoon, etc.... but I let it go too long without training, plus I hurt my neck at work, so I don't think it would be worth it to go to the marathon I signed up for back in July... seriously, kicking myself.  I'm going to kick myself in the bum so that I run more and get back to where I was a few months ago. So frustrated.

There's not much else to say... I'm wasting time before "bed" but hopefully that falls shortly instead of around 3 a.m. again :)

My conclusions today are that:
 a. I need to read my Bible more. I better.
 b. I better run more. I WILL.
 c. I need to figure out how to sleep!

Happy Monday :)

morning.

and.... it's already morning.

Bootcamp was difficult today.  Have you ever eaten a spoonful of peanut butter, without drinking any water, and then all night long it feels like your body is trying to digest it? It hurts! I think I will stick to peanuts instead of peanut butter from now on.  I ate a spoonful last night to hold me over before dinner, while Josh was setting things up at his hunting camp.... needless to say, the p-butter didn't help me when it came to boot camp... my breathing felt somewhat blocked.

Today was the fitness test.  We had to do five sets of:

Run 4.5 laps
20 squats
20 "two inches two feet" (ab exercise)
20 pushups
20 mountain climbers

Yes, five times.  Did I mention we have to do this in under 30 minutes?  I'm feeling sore, and good!

And now, I get to go to work... one word: coffee.

I've been having a really difficult time sleeping lately.  I don't know if it has to do with work stress, or being overly scared at night, or what, but it's really getting to me that if I want a good night of sleep, I have to take melatonin to do so.

Does anyone have any good advice for restful sleeping?  I have tried sleepytime tea, melatonin, baths... if anyone has other ideas, please share them! I need to start sleeping!!

I hope everyone has a lovely Wednesday :)

bed.

I'm heading to bed, or in the morning I will be dead tired (6am bootcamp comes early).

I had a lovely evening with the husband...

Mediterranean Grille, then, in togetherness, became more addicted to "Lost."  Loving it.

I love Josh... Happy One Month Married, Babe!!

postsecret.

Truth. Right here. Anonymously... because my guts are on vacation, and probably will never be back long enough...

I want to know how "my" kids are doing at the location they are at.

I want to move.

I never want to leave.

I miss Portland.

I am in love with Montana.

I want to post the picture that would spill the truth to all the ones who judged... and maybe your boss... and maybe your mom...

Your judgements got in the way of your love and support for me, and instead of explaining, I have one word for you: Karma.  (I even had a dream about it.)

That was lame, and again, I will say... Karma.

You're "that" old and single because you pay money to see naked pictures of girls you will never meet, and instead of using your time to better yourself or go somewhere to meet a nice girl, you're at home, looking at the ones who you will never have the slightest relationship with.  I don't feel sorry for you.  Or you.  Or you. I only feel sorry that you have to live with the fact that you had a part in breaking up a marriage.

If you would just tell us, it would still be okay, because I would love you just as much.

I think that you need to look further to get her.

Finding out you had Asperger's made me feel sorry for being mad at you, but you are still really inappropriate.

You didn't come because you "paid too much" the first time and are ashamed of the second one... but it's okay, because it happened to you, too.

I want to buy you four cheeseburgers. 

I want you to wear jeans, just once.  They are really nice!

I like your hair.

I wonder if those are real?

I think you should keep looking.  

You act better than me, talk down to me, and tell me things that indirectly say, "My son is more accomplished, smarter, and better than you."  I want to tell you to chill out... your accomplished son works at Wal-Mart. (I am not knocking Wal-Mart.)

I like how you have the guts to look at people and tell them exactly what you're thinking.  You're brave.

Your wisdom exceeds that of most grandparents and I think it's amazing.

You look good in pink.

I want to see you be real with yourself and stop trying to impress everyone around you.  I think it would do more for you than you know.

I wish you would move here to marry my friend.  I think you two would go perfectly.

I feel unwanted and forgotten by you.

You had hair growing on the end of your nose, and I still wonder if you plucked it yet... I hope so.

I respect you, but please, stop acting like I'm invisible when they are around.

I tell girls because you refuse to, and they need to know... so I don't feel bad about it.

I like that you cleaned my kitchen! Thank you!

You motivate me.

I'm glad you got married. I can see your happiness.  Forget about those who didn't support you.  You have real love and I love it.

I think we are all brave in the same way, and no one will understand until they experience it, just like we did.  I wish that experience upon no one.

I think you are the most beautiful person, inside and out, and I love being around you, because there is something genuine and real, that not many people have.

I wish you would talk to your dad, because he is the most amazing dad I could ever ask for... and you won't even call him.

I love knowing everyone I know, because they all make me realize strange and crazy things about life, that I could not experience any other way, in such a beautiful way.

attachment.

I work with very interesting, amazing, unique, deep, emotional children. I don't even know what to write right now. I can't explain them with words, you would have to work where I work to fully understand; be in the relationships I am in with the children and experience their pain to fully understand.

One of my kids left tonight. It sucks. I can't say where he or she went, but it wasn't expected, and it's sucky because I didn't get to say goodbye. As much as I'm called an "Attachment Counselor" to attach to my kids through relational work, they aren't the only ones who become attached in the relationship...

This video is CRAZY, and I don't even know if anyone but me and the kid that left would understand the depth of this video and the tie between the video and the child.  But here is to the one that left...

I already miss you buddy. Good luck. I hope you can remember "Buster Fusterrrr"forever.

ramble.

One time, someone told me I was passive-aggressive.  This made me very angry, because I was only 17 years old, and I didn't know what in the world it meant, and thought she was taking a dig at me (which she was, the way she did it.)  I also was angry because this person didn't have the relationship with me to where she had any right to tell me this... however angry she made me, she was kind of right... I can be very passive-aggressive.


Since noticing this about myself, I have worked on it a lot, and tried being more direct, rather than doing things the easy, passive-aggressive way.  


In acknowledging my fault, can I just say that with all the effort I put into not being passive-aggressive, sometimes I just really, really want to be passive-aggressive.  Today is one of the times I would thoroughly enjoy doing so. Don't you ever just want to be super passive-aggressive? Like, so much to the point where it would be obvious, but that's the safest way you can express your emotion, so you just want to do it?  I do.  Right now... but I will refrain from doing so.


I'm feeling a certain way about a certain situation (or situations) to where I don't know how to handle them, so I just wanna be really lame about it, because I don't want to confront the situation.  I don't really think many people read this blog anymore, but if they do, they probably have no idea what I'm talking about, and stopped reading this particular blog post a long time ago, because at this point, I am just rambling.


I pray like that a lot.  Like a Rambler. Last night, I found myself telling God, "Sorry for rambling, I will try to get to my point soon," and then continued to pray.  I also think I do this in conversations a lot.  My friends are truly patient people :)  So is God, because golly, He gets an earful every night before I go to bed.  He's a good God to listen to all I have to talk to Him about.  I know He has a lot to hear all day everyday from everyone in the world, so I try to not take so long, but sometimes, I just can't do it.  I think God is the best listener.  I'm thankful to have Him to listen to me.


There will probably be a follow up post on this one.  I kind of don't want to follow up, but since only a few people read this, I think it's safe to follow up...

heartbeats.

This is an advertisement for the TV we just bought, however, I came across this while trying to find a music video, and I love this song. The video and song don't really go, but they are both cool. Happy Wednesday :) I hope someone finds this fun!

happiness.

                                                  I love him. I love Helena. I love my life.

rogue.

If you have never heard of Rogue Wave, I suggest you go YouTube or Itunes them right away. 


They are my all-time favorite band.  They have no bad music.  Any song will do.


It's Sunday, so I'm keeping this short.


Josh and I are leaving for my dad's (David not Meryl) to watch the first Cowboy's game of the season, engorge ourselves in some pizza  and some Big Dipper Huckleberry ice cream... yummmm.  (I say "engorge" because there is really no other way to describe the portion size my dad will give a person.  It's for a man with five stomachs, really.)


My grandma is again, back at my dad's house, so we'll see what that looks like this time around.


I hope you're all having a restful Sunday!

reflect.

Today is one of those days where you just sit and think, and you think of a million things in ten minutes, and you wish you could explain them all... all your deepest thoughts and most meaningful thoughts, but you can't put words around them. (The first four words in this sentence are really small, and I don't know how they got that small.)


You think back on all the most memorable, best, worst, happiest and saddest events that have taken place during your life, and realized that God does really have a purpose for your life.  All these things, both sad and happy, both disappointing and exciting, all of these things have molded you into who you are.  


There are so many things I have to be thankful for.  There are so many things that I could turn into, "I hate that part of my life and wish that it never happened."  But then I stop myself...


Yes, there are things I wish I could erase, but then I wouldn't be who I am today.  But I can't even finish explaining this statement because my thoughts are moving so quickly.  (I also can't finish this thought because some of the more negative events that have taken place in my life have made me so angry, that I would only write very negative things here, and I refuse to do so... but sometimes when I come and blog, I really, really want to do just that.)


There are also so many things that I have to be thankful for, and when I think of one thing, my mind jumps to even more positive things and people, and again, it goes a million miles per second.


I don't really know what the point of this post is.  I guess I just need to type, and don't know what to write, except to confuse everyone who reads this about the point of this post :)


Here... I will make this post have a point (or six):


I have recently been self-analyzing...I will say, that I have recently realized the following things about myself.  I am working on them currently...


1. A lot of times, things are "not good enough" and I keep searching to find better. 


2. I easily go to the negative, and although, in the past I have been known as optimistic, I lately have been very pessimistic.  I dislike this one.


3. I swear. A lot. Too much.  I think this is because I work with kids who like to cuss for fun on a daily basis, and I am not even sensitive to cussing anymore.  


4.  I go to "worst case scenario."  Josh helped me realize this.  If there's a noise outside, in my head, it's probably a serial killer who's been searching for me for ten years.  If I have a bite and it's swelling, it's probably from a new species of spider that bit me, and there's probably no cure and I'm probably going to die.  If my boss leaves me a voicemail to call him, it's probably because I'm fired... you get the picture.  I need to chill out.


5. To branch off of the last one, I overanalyze, really, really badly.  If a friend doesn't call me for a month, it's probably because I did something wrong, and then I rack my brain and stress over what I could have possibly done until I have clarification that, in fact, their phone was lost, or they lost their numbers, or some other thing that had nothing to do with anything I did. I can think of dozens of examples, but I don't want to type them out. Again, I need to relax.


6. I worry way too much.  


I do not write these things to be a negative blogger.  I write these things because I need to put them somewhere, and I am currently working on them.  Even though it can be annoying when I'm called out on these things, it is helpful.  A few friends and Josh have been pointing out to me when I do these things, and it helps me notice them.  So... it's okay to point them out :)


Two years ago, I would have died if someone pointed these things out to me.  I feel like I have grown so much and can hear things from people so much more than I previously could.  


Update on my grandma:  


She's going back to live with my dad tomorrow, leaving the hospital.  She can't eat anything without aspirating her food into her lungs.  So... pretty much we're going to keep repeating that she goes to the hospital after she aspirates, and then will go home and then back and then home, until her body decides to finally give up.  This is not me being negative or jumping to "worst case scenario."  This is what the doctors told my dad.  They assessed her swallowing.  She aspirates when she eats, which is causing the pneumonia, which is causing major infection.  So, if she eats, she gets infection.  And you have to eat to live.  And I don't want to expand anymore on this tonight because it sucks.

jet-lag.

Hunting season has officially begun... and Josh is in the forrest, far away :(


Luckily, the next time he goes out, my dad is lending us his fifth wheel, so we'll have our own place to stay away from all the men.  (Shock of the year that my dad is lending us his fifth wheel!)


I've been busy cleaning and unpacking, and there's so much of it to do, that I feel like the two days I have spent on it, haven't even made a dent.  I wish I could have everything clean by the time Josh gets home tomorrow night, but it's not looking so do-able at the moment.


I also swear I still have jet-lag, because I try and try, but I can't get myself up before 11am.... which is crazy.  I'm also kind of sick, so maybe that's why.


I have an update on my grandma....   She is back in the hospital as of Saturday morning.  She has pneumonia in her right lung and isn't doing very well.  They have assessed her swallowing and she is really struggling with aspirating her food (that means that food gets into her lungs when she is eating- but she is already on pureed food).  My dad was given some pretty harsh decisions to make, so if you could keep him and my grandma in your prayers, that would be great.  


I hope everyone is doing well.  Thanks to all of you who made it to the wedding... it was SO great to see all of you.  More pictures to come :)

wifey.

That is me and my husband, because I am now married and am now Mrs. Josh Montanye. (say it Mon-tan-yuh.) :)


That is the biggest, newest update that I need to post on here :)  I'm loving marriage and so in love with Josh.  Things are going so well!  


Let me just say, that God hears prayers, even when you stray away from what he is yelling in your face to turn around and go the opposite way that you are going.  I went my own way and didn't listen, but he still heard me, got me out of my mess, and blessed me with this amazing man, and I am so thankful.


Wedding week...  for the most part, it was very relaxed and fun.  I'm so thankful I am married to the most organized male in the United States... seriously, he should win an award.  He made an entire binder with organizational tabs and all our paperwork and lists.  On top of that, he surprised me and paid for my dress fittings and my hair (and my mom's hair.)  Isn't he the best?


We honeymooned on the Hawaiian island of Oahu.  It was great also.  We ate, slept, and laid on the beach.  


Life, presently, is consisting of unpacking and moving into our large apartment, getting ready to see Josh off for hunting season (he guides with his dad's outfitting business), and getting ready for my marathon in October.  I have a lot of work to do, but I know I can do it.  If anyone wants to push me in any way for my marathon, I'm open to it :)  If anyone wants to check out Josh's dad's outfitting business, here you go:  Elk Range Outfitters  It's pretty cool, but I do miss him when he's hunting :)


I'll be updating this more often now that all the big events and business are starting to be over.  I'll probably also get a lot of time in between my fall activities... you know, knitting like a grandma, watching Friends, and running :)  That is my life when Josh is gone in the forest :)


I hope you're all having a lovely start to your September :)