November.

Ahhhh....
Hunting Season.  The longest time of the year that I have to go without seeing Josh.  His dad owns an outfitting business, Elk Range Outfitters.  I went a few times this season to help Josh's step-mom in the kitchen.  That was a lot of fun, and she is a wonderful cook!!  


Today is that last day of hunting season, so Josh will be home for good as of tonight!  I'm glad that he outfits for his dad; also glad he'll be back soon!  This is the second year that we've gone through hunting season-- no internet, no cell phones, no contact.  I'm pretty proud of us!  


I just just finished wrapping a bunch of Christmas presents... oh man, I can't wait for Josh to open his!!!  I'll possibly post pictures after Christmas, but I can't say what it is on here, because maybe he will see it 
: )  


It's been a good month.  I am very much anticipating getting up all the Christmas decorations and getting a tree! I think it's time to go work on this a little bit more...

untitled.

i miss josh. i want a hug. i love my mom.

that's all.

good day.

This morning, I woke up and went for a run, in the very cold Montana air.  My run went pretty well.  I then came back home and made eggs and feta, my favorite breakfast!  I turned on some Nichole Nordeman, who I listened to a lot in high school.  I love her music- it makes me think a lot about God, and takes me back to really good memories of high school youth group.  I went to work, work was work, and now I'm home.

I just got off the phone with my mom, who is the best mom in the world.  She always listens to me and always has the best mom-advice.  She doesn't just listen and give me advice, but she pushes me to accomplish what I need to, and tells me things I need to hear, even when I don't want to.  I think my mom would have been buddies with Jesus.  Her advice always ends with, "Things happen for a reason- trust God."  She's right on.  If God has a purpose and plan (which he always does), why stress over things?  Mom, if you read my blog, I love you so much.  I tell you that a lot, but seriously, I am SO fortunate to have been raised by you and have you in my life.  Not only am I blessed to have been raised well and in a safe environment, but by a mom who has always been so supportive, caring, and amazing.

It's a good day : )

challenge.

Ever since the half, it's been more difficult for me to motivate myself to run longer distances, BUT I NEED TO!!! If you see me, ask me how running has been going- this will get me moving!  Thanks : )  That's all... more soon : )

monotone.

The reason my blog is titled, "breathing in...."

.... is because sometimes, when life throws everything right in your face, it can be so comforting just to take some deep inhales and exhales, and remember that everything happens for a reason.

Sometimes I hate that things have to happen for a reason.  That's all I'm gonna write.

half-marathon.

This post may be confusing, or worded funny, or sound weird, but it is what it is and I hope you like it!!

I was nervous, but as soon as everyone started shuffling forward on the street in downtown Spokane, I knew that 13.1 miles of running had begun.  Oh, crap.  Nervous, nervous, nervous!  Also: freezing in 21 degree weather!



Mile 1 went by really fast.  


Around mile 5, my chest got a little tight and it was somewhat difficult to breathe.  I'm sure it was the cold air.  After that stopped, around mile 6, I would be running and then would see people pass me, and start walking.  Oh man it looked so nice to walk.  Part of me thought, "They're walking, maybe it would be okay if I walk too."  HECK NO!!!!  RUN!  So.... I ran past those little, tempting, lucky, walkers, and continued to run.  


Then came mile 9... "Doomsday Hill."  This is the same stupid, big, intimidating hill that they stick in the Bloomsday Race.  It's very, very, long.  I told Krista and Amber that I wanted to walk.  They both looked at me and said, "NO! You're running this.  RUN!"  I rolled my eyes, and ran.  Heck yes, I ran the huge, stupid hill.  At this point, I didn't care if I had to run a lot longer or not, as long as it was nice and flat, or at least gradual if there was a hill.


Mile 12 came, and yes, there was a nice, surprise HILL!  But really, if you're one mile away from the finish, how on earth could anyone think it's acceptable to walk at this point!?  Oh, only everyone around me!  It looked so nice!  But I kept running.  I ran the hill and continued.  


People that were stationed at the check-points kept saying, "You're almost there!"  I was so excited.  I ran over a bridge and saw the finish line.  The minute I ran through, they took my number off of my shirt, and gave me a finisher medal.  (I've never had a medal and it was so exciting!!)


Then, something really unexpected happened.  I started crying.  Krista ran up to me and hugged me, and asked me why I was crying.  I gave her a pretty short answer, just saying that I was so happy that I had finished and ran an entire half-marathon, 13.1 miles, and that I had wanted to accomplish that for a while.


In the last four years, I have gone through some huge struggles and experienced a lot of difficult events.  Each hill that I came to in this race, I thought of those things.  At the bottom of the hills, I thought of divorce, my Uncle George, my Baba, friends who have hurt me and lied to me, relationships that were based on lies... I left all that at the bottom of those hills.  All the hurt, sadness, pain....


I used to HATE running.  Like, I would rather pay someone money so that I didn't have to run.  Like I've said in other blogs, running is my release, in a sense, and has been, especially since I started deciding to leave Portland.  


Anyway, back to the hills.  Every hill I came to in this 13.1 mile run, I would think of all the crap that I've put up with in the last few years.  All the tears I have cried, all the b.s. I took, all the lies I was told, all the second chances I gave to people.  I left all that garbage at the bottom of those hills.  Not only did I leave the garbage.  I thought of all those people who helped me through all of those things.  My mom, Meryl, my dad, Marissa, Jena, Liz, Krista, Dominic, Carrie, Rachel, Devin, Erika, Cassie and Danielle, Anna, Becca, Amy Chinn, Mark, Amber and Donnie, Christian, Joanne, Alisha, Marie Wachlin.... there were also others.  Some of these people probably had no idea that they had such a huge impact on my life.  Each day, these people helped me through rough patches when they didn't even know it.  They are like the check-points on my race.  When I got water or "Sharkies" (gummy energy chews), it helped me keep going.  That's what these people did.  They helped me keep going.


I can't fully explain it, but I have wanted to do a half-marathon for well over a year now.  It's done.  I wish I could really explain in words, but all that I have been through... this physical race was me leaving it, for good.  I don't even know if I am making sense right now, but it felt soooo good.  That is why I cried.  I am free of so much.  God set me free, and running this race was sort of like a physical way that I could feel myself be free of all of it.  People near the end kept saying, "Keep going, you're almost there!"  I would pray so much and felt like God was telling me to keep going.  Even when I was at my lowest point and it seemed like everything was wrong, God was cheering me on.  He had a plan for me and wanted me to keep my head up and keep going.  I did.  The minute I drove across the Montana border after leaving Portland for good, it was a similar feeling of that which I felt the minute I crossed the finish line on Sunday.  


God is amazing.  I am so glad I ran this race.  It means more than getting a specific time or seeing how long I can run.  There was a lot of underlying meaning for me to running this race.  It is done.  I am free. I am so happy and so thankful to be in the arms of my Father. 

                                        I can't wait to run another one! : )

contemplating.

I had a huge blog written out about how much has changed in my last 6 years of life.  I decided not to post it.  I'm not ready to share all of that with the world... yet.  Maybe someday.  For now, I'll just pose a few questions that came into my head while typing out the rather long, time-consuming blog.

 I wonder if people have questions about what happened with "stuff."  Yes, you know what I am talking about.  Only 3 people have been gutsy enough to ask me.  I respected that.  I wish "stuff" never happened.  I wish I could erase those 2 years of my life and not even have had "stuff" happen.  I hate even talking about it, obviously, because I refer to it as "stuff."  Marriage, yes, this is what I am talking about.  Yes, I learned things, it made me the person I am today, blah blah blah, but I hate it, and wish I could erase it.

I wonder why the event that happened above led to Josh.  I wish I could have dated him FIRST.  I settled the first time, BIG TIME. I had no clue what I was missing.  I know now.  He is the most amazing person.  Our relationship is so much healthier than any relationship I have ever, ever had.  I love him so much and can't imagine what life would be like if I had not been with him.  I can't even write out to express how much this guy means to me.  Josh is wonderful.  Even thinking about him right now makes me smile.  I wish I would have experienced a healthy relationship with him first.  Everything happens for a reason, I KNOW.

I wonder when I will get girl-friends in the same town I live in.  I would love to go have girl's night, or go to a movie, or people watch, or go shopping or on road trips.  Please I hope it's soon.  I love all my guy friends, but I need a girl to be girly with.  Boys don't shop like girls do.  Boys don't paint their nails, or love new chick-flicks, or understand girl conversation topics.  I miss having a girl-friend live in the same town as me.

I wonder why my grandma is still alive.  I thought she would have given up last summer.  Then it was Christmas.  Then, several strokes later, she was put on a hospital bed in my dad's living room,with oxygen, a catheter, and the occasional dose of morphine. Then, it was her birthday, and she went from 93, to 94. Then summer passed again.  I hate going to see her because it makes me sad, and mad.  I sometimes wish she would just let go.  Seeing her in her current state hurts worse sometimes than I think it would be to see her go.  She can't talk, move, swallow, sit up, etc.  I wonder why she is holding on?  Or what for?  Only she and God knows.

I have other questions floating around in my head... just not sure if now is the time to write them out.  These are my thoughts today.  I hope you got something out of understanding them or at least maybe, understanding me a bit more.

spam tacos.

I need to write a blog on this, because it is simply wonderful.


I work with children who are extremely emotionally disturbed, and they have such large personalities.  There is a new child who recently had a birthday.  I sat down with him and asked him what he would like for his birthday meal.  The kids get to choose whatever they want from dinner to dessert- anything they want.  


Most children choose things like pizza, mac and cheese, ribs, etc.


This special little guy requested spam.  When I asked him if he would like his spam with anything else, he replied, "Spam tacos and mashed potatoes and gravy!"


Needless to say, I got to taste spam a few weeks ago.  It was different.  When it was doused in taco seasoning and grilled, two little, tiny pieces were do-able.  When it sat on the table for a few minutes and got colder, it was disgusting.  


I then tucked him in before bed and he asked if we could pray.  I said "Yes, do you want to pray or do you want me to pray?"  He said he wanted to pray.  He then proceeded to SING his prayer and it went like this: 


"I had a good birthday.  Angela and me had fun.  We want it to rain.  Because we love rain and the United States of America loves rain.  AMEN!"  


My overall point in writing this particular blog, is that I LOVE my kids that I work with.  This is just one of them.  They are amazing! : )

busy.

I am so busy, but I promise to do a worth-while, new blog soon!  LOTS AND LOTS to blog about : )

57.

'Opportunity dances with those who are already on the dance floor.  I believe that everything happens for a reason.  People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they go right, you believe lies so that you'll eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.' - Marilyn Monroe

This is such a wonderful quote.  I feel like single parts of it describe my life, a lot.  Life is so unpredictable.  Sometimes I love that, and sometimes I really hate that.  I hate seeing my friends hurt or struggle; close friends or even just acquaintances.  I feel like it's hard to trust.  It's so interesting that we learn so much through our experiences, good and bad, so that we can become the people we are, to do even better with other experiences in the future.  I like to learn the hard way a lot in life, apparently, which has been rather frustrating at times, but I feel like I am 23 on the outside, and 57 on the inside because I have experiences that a lot of people my age have never had.  Holy cow, when I get to heaven, I have so many questions for God... but at that point, they won't matter anymore.  I don't really know what this whole blog note is about, I just felt like expanding on what Marilyn said, because her quote is so wonderful.  I guess it's just been a big week, and writing is how I get my feelings out a lot, even if other people don't understand it, it helps me understand myself a little more : )  

monday.

Sometimes I'm probably going to go a long time without writing a new blog because my life never stops moving and I feel constantly busy!  I was told to post something new.... 


Not a lot is new, except that I joined Northern Lights Yoga and am starting tomorrow and I'm really excited, because I have missed doing yoga  a lot since I moved back from Portland.  


I am also bored right now, but luckily, have Krista to chat with online on Facebook :)  I miss having a lot of my close girl friends live close to me.  They are all scattered in several states/towns.  How about everyone just moves to Helena.... problem solved : )  Just kidding.  But know that I miss you.

running.

Holy mackerel.  I signed up for a half-marathon. I am so excited!!  I'm running it in October with one of my best friends, Krista Burton.  This means I will be running 13.1 miles. Holy cow.  This is going to rock! 


Ever since things started sucking in Portland, I have turned to and found comfort and a release in running, which makes it even more exciting to me.  Also, Krista and I don't get to see each other very often, because she is going to grad-school in Spokane, so we've been "training over the phone," which has been fun : )  I miss her and am glad we can still find things to do together, even though we have to travel to do things. Sadly, she is moving even further, to Texas this winter, to be with her boyfriend and complete her internship.  DO NOT GO!!!! : ) (Except I know it makes you happy, so go!)

starting over.

I first started this blog page when I lived in Portland a few years ago.  Since then, things in my life have changed dramatically.  I went through some really difficult... um, I will call them life-changes, as well as found out my Baba (grandma) was really sick.  I moved home to Helena, Montana in May 2008, the day after I finished my student teaching.


 I lived with my dad for a short while, and then found myself an apartment on Broadway, with multi-colored walls and lots of sunlight.  I worked for an Auto-Consulting business for several months until I found my current job, working @ Intermountain Children's Home with emotionally-disturbed kids.  I have been dating my boyfriend Josh for almost a year.


I have changed in some pretty dramatic ways, and re-found myself in the last two years.  I am thankful for where I am in life right now, and even though I found myself in some pretty difficult situations, I have taken them and used them to grow and really know myself more than I ever have.  I hope for this blog page to be an update for those of you who I don't get to see/talk to on a very regular basis.  If you have any questions, let me know : )