contemplating.

I had a huge blog written out about how much has changed in my last 6 years of life.  I decided not to post it.  I'm not ready to share all of that with the world... yet.  Maybe someday.  For now, I'll just pose a few questions that came into my head while typing out the rather long, time-consuming blog.

 I wonder if people have questions about what happened with "stuff."  Yes, you know what I am talking about.  Only 3 people have been gutsy enough to ask me.  I respected that.  I wish "stuff" never happened.  I wish I could erase those 2 years of my life and not even have had "stuff" happen.  I hate even talking about it, obviously, because I refer to it as "stuff."  Marriage, yes, this is what I am talking about.  Yes, I learned things, it made me the person I am today, blah blah blah, but I hate it, and wish I could erase it.

I wonder why the event that happened above led to Josh.  I wish I could have dated him FIRST.  I settled the first time, BIG TIME. I had no clue what I was missing.  I know now.  He is the most amazing person.  Our relationship is so much healthier than any relationship I have ever, ever had.  I love him so much and can't imagine what life would be like if I had not been with him.  I can't even write out to express how much this guy means to me.  Josh is wonderful.  Even thinking about him right now makes me smile.  I wish I would have experienced a healthy relationship with him first.  Everything happens for a reason, I KNOW.

I wonder when I will get girl-friends in the same town I live in.  I would love to go have girl's night, or go to a movie, or people watch, or go shopping or on road trips.  Please I hope it's soon.  I love all my guy friends, but I need a girl to be girly with.  Boys don't shop like girls do.  Boys don't paint their nails, or love new chick-flicks, or understand girl conversation topics.  I miss having a girl-friend live in the same town as me.

I wonder why my grandma is still alive.  I thought she would have given up last summer.  Then it was Christmas.  Then, several strokes later, she was put on a hospital bed in my dad's living room,with oxygen, a catheter, and the occasional dose of morphine. Then, it was her birthday, and she went from 93, to 94. Then summer passed again.  I hate going to see her because it makes me sad, and mad.  I sometimes wish she would just let go.  Seeing her in her current state hurts worse sometimes than I think it would be to see her go.  She can't talk, move, swallow, sit up, etc.  I wonder why she is holding on?  Or what for?  Only she and God knows.

I have other questions floating around in my head... just not sure if now is the time to write them out.  These are my thoughts today.  I hope you got something out of understanding them or at least maybe, understanding me a bit more.